Tango post dinner

with or without you,
I cant live,
with or without you

No its not a guy.Its me.Iv re-discovered the old me.
And even though im going through a bad spot , theres a sense of peace, a reassurance....someones there, im there.

As rexy said once (she gets mighty offended if i mentioned 'someone once said'....yah..its rexy who said it alright)

"if we could go back to our childhood, back when there werent any constraints, and try to recall what we wanted back then, what made us really happy, bingo, thats what we need to look for.Cos our definition of happiness gets grossly screwed up by the limits we put on ourselves as we grow up. "

I remember being a hyper active, super enthu kid.About what, if one might ask....at the expense of sounding cliched....id say outright..about life.
It could be a pile of tamarind seeds that we used to play with,
a tattered comic,
sitting under the table playing pretend games,
patiently digging tunnels in abandoned flower pots for immaginary trains on hot sunday afternoons ,
wearing didis old raggedy coat in winter mornings and sitting on a tiny desk dad had gotten especially for me and writing a book..yup...for some uncanny reason my mom encouraged this activity ..probably imagining her daughter would grow up to be somebody imp while iwas convinced that i was writing a real book .. at the age of 9..with proper index and something called limmericks...a term and poetry style recently picked up from the fat birthday copy of alice in wonderland...

the fact that life has possibilities..is exciting.Nothing pre-decided, you can do anything, you can be anyone,you make ur own rules.
As i keep saying all the time ....'one life'.!!!
i want to do a bit of everything that catches my fancy.
I want to, need to , live my life to fullest.
hey, what if iv been really good and when i die the big guy up there says 'sorry kiddo, you got nirvana.no more earth lives for you anymore'??

Thats what i love about staying in delhi, without my family.Nopes, I aint the family hater types.just that with this kinda freedom, I get to go off to these mini trips on and off with a bunch of friends.And what i love about them, is the sense of freedom, the unplanned ' hey lets take this road cos itskinda interesting' feel.The fact that i have a bag on my back with all that i need, and i can walk off into any direction anytime.I love the unbounded feel.
Even if i didnt want to do something, i need to know I could if i wanted to.Imagine laying down boundaries for someone like me.

So here I am , after a 'nothing to mention' day at work, at pvr, waiting to catch up a movie with a friend.I enter Ohm book stores.Now as a kid, I could get even super enthu being in a stationary shop (all the cool gadgety pens and crisp sheets of paper)and libraries ... later this energy got diverted to bakeries and coffee houses
Faint music in the background.Very loungy, hotelly.I have no clue what it is.'swan lake??'....

Bang!!
see .. I have no clue what swan lake is..as in who composed it(tchaiko-something??), when, why , blah blah....
But im excited.the word swan lake’s entered my brain and now its going to be jumping all around the place.
I mean im truelly all kicked up.
I need to listen to some old classics, and esp swan lake.
I know, I know, what ur thinking.But thats exactly what iv been trying to say.It doesnt have to make sense, but the silliest thing can make me feel so damn high.Im so terribly happy, almost drugged(this is where rexy screams ' god u dramatise everything')

I pick up a anita desai...a hanif kureishi and a translated satyajit ray.
The first two cos i leafed through the books and really liked what i read, so full comments only after I finish them.
Anita desai's writing style reminds me a lot of my school days, back in cal.

The last one cos Im trying to slowly pick up bong lit where id left it ages back ..and eng versions are easily accessible.
Then I go in for a two hour of Mr n Mrs smith.I love it man.Thats the kind of life id love.(post their discovering each others identity)they are totally equalls, and they are such a team.I come back almost feeling that i'll go back home to a black suede clad husband and a giant house with a artilerry chamber built into the oven.What the hell, I might even do the tango post dinner .
Im actually going through a tough time.which is why im pleasently shocked that the presence of my old nutcase selfis much stronger than earlier.

im back home, Iv fixed up the speakers around my room, cosied up in my bed, playing floyd (spent a grand on books,swan lake another day) and writing all this.